October 16, 2007

Big 12 Rewind

Gotta love self-congratulatory commercials.

Right now, the conference we all know and love, the Big 12, has some joke of an ad out there right now talking about the dozen great years its had.

Well, congrat-u-freakin-lations. What does zero championships in basketball and embarrassments in BCS title games get you (pay attention, Oklahoma and Nebraska)? Not much. But apparently, it's enough for a cake with logos of every team on it. How nice.

Enough with the sweets. Time for the meat.

Word to the wise: Don't lose to Oklahoma State. Your job might be on the line if you do!

After Texas Tech passed for a billion yards, 34 touchdowns and STILL lost to the Cowboys, Red Raider head coach Mike Leach cussed out his team and proceeded to fire his defensive coordinator.

And no, we're not kidding. Tech really did have a defensive coordinator to fire, even though defense hasn't been played on the High Plains since who knows when.

Then, just yesterday, New-brass-key fired its athletic director, Steve Pederson - hereto forth known as "Steve the Dweeb" - in the aftermath of OSU's nuking of cornfields in the northern plains. Not only that, but the Shuckers are likely on the way to ditching their head coach, Bill "You should have seen this coming because I sucked in Oakland too" Callahan.

And the Pokes should be given at least half-credit for the impending firing of Dennis Franchione, because that 17-0 halftime lead had members of the Corps. of Cadets wanting to kidnap Franchise and throw him in the Brazos River. Sure, the Aggies did win that game, but some maroon fans were likely mad at OSU for losing, because they didn't have a chance to ditch Dennis the Deminished that weekend.

So, the count at this moment on the Cowboys Firing Scoreboard: 1 athletic director, 1 coordinator and 2 coaches on the way. Good times.

Next on the list: Kansas State's athletic trainer, Texas' special teams coach and Kansas' swimming coach.

Should OSU provide classified ads in the opposing locker room the rest of the way? Maybe they should look into www.hireosugrads.com!

(And no, the impending firing of Guy Morriss can't be counted on the scoreboard. Sorry.)

As mentioned before, the streets of Lincoln are currently filled with the blood of the ones who ran Nebraska football into the ground. Boy, things are getting rough up in Lincoln.

How rough is it?

(Thank you, peanut gallery.)

It is so rough in Huskerland right now that it's been discovered Bill Callahan is the second leading cause of death in Nebraska, just after boring drives on I-80.

And we just thought he was in the process of killing his career.

This weekend, the remaining Husker fans in the stadium could be heard saying: "Look! Look! Oklahoma State is winning big with the option!!! And we were told that didn't work in college football anymore!!! My pension for an I-Back!!!"

Something about 17 passing yards in the first half against a bad secondary will bring forth comments like that.

As for the firing of Pederson, well, it comes as no shock to us. After all, this is the guy who was hired and promptly set fire to decades worth of tradition all in the name of progress. Something about not surrendering the Big 12 to Oklahoma and Texas. Looking back, we guess he should have said: "We won't sacrifice the Big 12 North to Iowa State." If he said that, then he would have been prophetic. As it stands now, the Huskers are still holding off the Cyclones for fifth place in the North. Congrats! Meanwhile, Kansas is undefeated and in control of its own destiny to reach the conference championship game.

All we can say to that little nugget of fact is: The Mayan calendar said so and it's the beginning of the end. Buy as much canned goods and bottled water as you can.

Boy oh boy, Jorvorskie Lane, you've got a lot to learn before you join the mantle of Joe Willie Namath and the newspaper guy who thought Dewey defeated Truman.

Wait, he didn't? Anyway...

You see, you can't go jawing about beating Texas Tech on the road in the Twilight Zone, er, Lubbock, a week after your team turns in a half-baked performance against OSU and needed a gimmick pass and a turnover deep in Cowboy territory to post a "big" 24-23 win. Yeah, that makes sense. Barely beat the Pokes in front of her highness Gen. Reveille in Aggieland, then expect to win at the Sand Bowl? Funny stuff. Does he realize how incompetent his offense is?

And, what's this? A Wichita State Shocker! Tech thumps the team that offense forgot, 35-7. So much for guarantees. The kid killed any future he had endorsing products. That's a lot of future money down the drain.

"This car will get better gas mileage than any other SUV, or my name isn't Jorvorskie Lane."

"I love these Bridgestone tires and they're guaranteed to not just burst on the highway! I should know, because I'm Jorvorskie Lane!"

"Believe me, you'll love your trip to Delaware so much you'll want to move here. I guarantee it!"

"Come back to Jack In The Box. We've been E. Coli free since1997 - I swear!"

1. Oklahoma State:
When you haven't won in the land of corn in 47 years, you deserve the top spot. No more special treatment next week.
2. Kansas: Some fans saw 6-0 record in the paper and thought they were late for basketball season; went to wait in line at empty Allen Fieldhouse.
3. Oklahoma: Heisman talk ramping back up for Sam Bradford. Funniest thing in this entire column and we didn't even have to make it up!
4. Missouri: Being undefeated was fun, huh?
5. Kansas State: Not as good as final score against Colorado indicated.
6. Texas: Win over Iowa State akin to bully stealing nerd's lunch money.
7. Texas Tech: Throw for 4 million yards, win 7-8 games. Rinse. Repeat.
8. Colorado: 2007 National League Champions!
9. Texas A&M: Every loss is another excuse to "Can Fran."
10. Baylor: Hey, at least they still have God on their side.
11. Iowa State: Went home to ask for more lunch money.
12. Nebraska: Chancellor says Pederson was on way out for awhile now, yet says NU hasn't started looking for a replacement. Translation: Dr. Tom, A.D.

...More... To continue reading this article you must be a member. Sign Up Now!